.LINDSEY’S RANTINGS.

Today is my Friday. Tomorrow is a bonus Saturday. This entire weekend was supposed to be full of words like relaxation and swimming pool and lazy and to hell with dinner, lets order a pizza and fall asleep watching a Lifetime made-for-TV movie like I used to do when I was single. But no.
Jeff and I were going to go swimming tomorrow and then go to a barbeque at my mom’s house. We were going to get a little tan, a little burnt, eat tons of good food and spend the day ‘funning and sunning’ (although I’m pretty sure neither of those are actually verbs). It was supposed to be a little uncomfortably hot and we were all supposed to complain about what a scorcher it was.
Also, did I mention getting a tan?

And now this plan has been ruined. Because why? BECAUSE OF THE MONSOON THAT’S RAGING OUTSIDE OF THE GIANT OFFICE WINDOW. The monsoon that’s going to last all weekend. No swimming pool. No outside BBQ. No scorcher. NO TAN.

So I’m like, it’s all good, we’ll just relax all day Saturday and listen to the rain and rent cheesy horror movies and nap. Maybe go to a nice dinner and then head to bed early and fall asleep to the thunder and my “rainy-day” playlist on iTunes (which, yes, I have one, don’t judge me).

And now this plan has been ruined. Because why? BECAUSE OF THIS BIG SHOW THAT JEFF’S PLAYING IN SOME CRAPPY TOWN TWO HOURS AWAY AND WE’RE GONNA BE THERE ALL DAMN DAY. It’ll consist more of  driving in the rain to the middle of West ass nowhere, setting up drum equiptment, eating a Whopper in the car and then sitting on a hard plastic chair in the middle of a giant party full of people I don’t know while my husband plays jazz songs. No early bedtime. No horror flicks. NO RAINY DAY PLAYLIST.

I’m depressed. Although, on the bright side, this means I won’t have a chance to forget to water my brand new flower garden and almost kill it like I did the 3rd day I even had it.

Whoopity-muther effin-do.

I’m not sure why, but I’ve been kind of obsessed with looking up the statistics of things lately. But only the things that scare me. Right?
Why do I self destruct?
P.S. We’ll talk about Michael Jackson and Billy Mays later. What’s happening to Hollywood!?

1. Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.

2. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily in the U.S. (Jump to me in a hospital bed in a few years REFUSING to hand my brand new slimy baby to anyone while screaming this statistic over and over .)

3. 60% of all men will have an affair at some point in their marriage.

4. One pound of peanut butter, can typically contain up to 150 bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs.

5. No matter where you go, you’re always at least 6 feet away from a spider.

6. 450 people per year in the United States will die from falling off of their beds.

7. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (This is why I don’t wear makeup very often. That’s disgusting. Why the hell is it necessary to include fish scales?) 

8. 1 in every 4 women will experience domestic violence. (1 in 4. That’s terrifying)

9. The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just one hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. (Looks like I’m not watching the in-flight movie on our way to New York. Eff that.)

10. 90,000 people die of hospital-acquired infections annually. More than half of these deaths may be preventable. (In the HOSPITAL. Holy hell.)

11.  If you swim one hour in a public pool you will typically intake 1/12 liters of urine.

12. Every year, 14 bugs find their way into your mouth while you sleep.

13. A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz. of gas in a single flatulent emission, or about 17 oz. in a day. (Haha, ewwwwwww….)

A copied and pasted conversation between me and a co-worker on the office Instant Message service.

lindseyfayjensen: Do you think if I do something drastic like drink copier toner, they’ll let me leave work early?
Natasha: Lol. No.
lindseyfayjensen: Really? Cause that’s like, fatal I think.
Natasha: Lol. I will tell them you did it on purpose and then they won’t let you. You’ll have to die here.
lindseyfayjensen: You snitch.
Natasha: If I have to die here, you do too.
lindseyfayjensen: Lets BOTH drink some and tell them we thought it was blue Kool-Aid?
Natasha: Lol. DEAL!
lindseyfayjensen: Shit yes.
lindseyfayjensen: Wait. MAYBE if I tell them my husband just drank copier toner and I have to take him to the hospital because hello, he’s BLIND, then she might consider it AND I could forego the burning sensation in my esophagus.
Natasha: Fine. Just leave me here to rot. I see how you are.
lindseyfayjensen: And YOU have to help because, um, the train won’t get me home fast enough!
Natasha: Deal. done and done.
lindseyfayjensen: Sweet. I’ll call Jeff and tell him I left some blue Kool-Aid in the printer.

Jeff: When you get all old and senile it’s gonna be just like normal.

1. Reality shows about ‘finding love.’ Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, I Love New York, Flavor of Love, there are tons. And a week after the show is over they dump whoever they chose anyway and then try it all over again. Except for an occasional hilarious cat-fight, I’m sick of them.

2. The celebrity baby trend. Remember how little dogs in purses were all the rage in Hollywood for about 15 minutes? Now it’s babies. And just as I wondered what happened to all those tiny dogs when getting knocked up became popular instead, I wonder what will happen to all the babies when they go out of style? As soon as they’re dumpster-bound,  I call dibs on Suri Cruise and the Jolie-Pitt twins. No battles.

3. I know I’m gonna piss a lot of people off with this one (hi, Ash!) but Twilight. Yes, I read the books. Yes, I was entertained. Done and done. It’s fine if they start making more movies, whatever. I won’t see them. But enough with the screaming teenagers and the ‘Mommy Twilight Clubs’ and stuff. There’s a very good chance that Bella isn’t really just charmingly clumsy, but has a legitimate brain disorder or an inner ear disease. And Edward is a 104-year-old vampire stuck in a sexy 17-year-old’s body. Not to mention werewolves and half-vampire half-human babies, whatever. I’m over it.

4. Dane Cook. Yeah, he’s funny, but he’s not that funny. He pulls a lot of weird faces.

5. This compulsive need for some people to force everyone on the planet to recognize and admire them for being ‘green.’ I take the train. I recycle. I use these bags when I go grocery shopping instead of plastic bags. But you don’t see me walking around thrusting them in everyone’s face and talking about the environment or wearing self-righteous global warming t-shirts or plastering my car with bumper stickers about ‘more trees, less bush’ ha ha ha. I’m all for saving the earth, but can we do it a little quieter?

6. Chris Brown and Rihanna jokes. Not that I don’t find domestic violence as funny as the next person, but it’s been months. Time to move on. Who’s ready for some David Carradine auto-erotic asphixiation jokes? No? Too soon?

7. A ‘healthy’ ‘well-balanced’ ‘home-cooked’ ‘meal’. We all know that frozen pizzas are way easier to make than some lame casserole, and also way more delicious. And don’t start quoting side-of-the-box nutrition facts because I don’t want to hear them.

8. Summer. I know, technically it’s not even summer yet, but I’m already sick of it. Everyone else is all skinny and tan and all I want to do it put on bundles and bundles of clothes, top it off with a cute coat, and pretend like I’m skinny underneath all of it. Bring back winter.

9. The economy. Yeah, it was fun for a little while, blaming everything on the economy, but it’s getting old. So, ha ha ha, jokes over, give everyone their jobs back and make gasoline .99 cents again.

10. Nadya Suleman AKA Octomom. I don’t care anymore. She has an obscene amount of kids that she pimps out to the media a la Kate Gosselin and Angelina Jolie and just, who cares anymore? Although I might just be bitter because I didn’t think of it first.

11. Skirts over pants. Are we done with this trend yet?

12. Um, commercials. I’m over them.

13. The swine flu. It’s done. I’ve researched and panicked and self-diagnosed enough with the swine flu. Plus now it’s becoming too popular. Everyone has the swine flu now. Time to move on to the next pandemic.

- On Thursday’s train ride home, the portly woman sitting next to me farted. On me. She then glanced over and mumbled “excuse me” to which I replied “well, it happens to the best of us!” But I don’t think she heard me because she’d already fallen back asleep.

- On Friday, Jeff took the train downtown to meet me for lunch on my break and after we’d eaten we decided to take a walk. After being accosted by some of Salt Lake City’s finest homeless citizens (who were annoyed when we said we didn’t carry cash, only cards) we stumbled upon a thin, elderly Native American man who said he didn’t want cash, he only wanted food and could we please buy him a meal. We looked at each other, said swear words in our heads, and then said of course. We follow the dude into a little Chinese food restaurant where we figure we’ll buy him a damn eggroll and be on our way.. except that it was a sit-down place. So the 3 of us are seated (WTF?) and I start wringing my hands and wondering how we can get out of this, when the man introduces himself as Mark. Jeff says that’s nice and starts asking Mark where he’s from. I peruse the menu, see that everything is wildly expensive and say more silent curse words. I also notice that all the seafood items are $2 more expensive than everything else and vow to stab Mark if he orders seafood. The waitress brings Mark a lemonade (and probably thinks we’re the weirdest group ever) and he orders shrimp and I can feel my hand close around my knife, but I refrain, and then before the waitress leaves again, I grab her arm and say “is there any way we can get the check before the meal so our friend can stay here and eat?” She immediately understands and says of course. Meanwhile, Mark is telling Jeff all about how he was adopted from a reservation when he was six because his father was in jail for killing his mother. With an axe. To the back of her head. He also says he’s a medicine man and put a man’s cancer into “submission” (I think he meant ‘remission’, but who am I to correct a medicine man?) and about how his adoptive brother just cheated Mark out of the 40 million dollars he stood to inheret after their father passed away.
Yeah. Right.
The one thing out of Mark’s mouth that I did believe…?
“I’m gonna be honest wichoo… I drink a little.”
So we paid the $8 tab (plus a tip.. the waitress had to smell him too) and then left.
The conversation we immediately had went like this:
Me: What the hell was that all about!?
Jeff: No idea, but I’m pretty sure it cost 10 bucks.
Me: Promise not to be mad if I told you I really do have a few dollar bills in my pocket but lied so we wouldn’t have to give it to him..? So instead of 1 dollar, we just spent 10?
Jeff:…………………….. *sigh*

- That same day, I started having a few weird symptoms, left work early, and went to Insta-Care where Jeff and I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half while an ancient Japanese woman sat across from us and vomited into a bucket over and over and over and over and over and her husband would just keep standing up and taking the bucket in the bathroom to empty it, and by the time he came back, she’s be vomiting into it again. I asked Jeff if, in 40 years, he’d do this for me and he said yes, but I don’t believe him. Anyway, then it was my turn (I considered telling them to take the poor barf lady first, but I decided against it.. if there’s ever one thing you can always count on, it’s my selfishness) and a nurse with about as much personality as a desk chair asked a bunch of stupid questions and then I peed into a cup and then they told me I have a bladder infection. I know. Ew. So I picked up the anti-biotics and some pain pills and went home.
Honestly, though, I stopped taking the pain pills after about a day because (this is grosserthangross) it turns your pee neon orange. And quite frankly, it scared the bejeezus out of me.

- Our power went out on Monday when I was right in the middle of an episode of Forensic Files about a serial killer. Jeff wasn’t home. I discovered two things at this moment. 1- We don’t have a flashlight (which, later on the night, AFTER the power had come back on I discovered that oops yes we do… thanks mom!). and 2- Playing Sudoku on your cell phone in the pitch black isn’t a good way of reassuring yourself that you’re not going to be raped and murdered by the same guy you were just watching the show about. Thunder makes it worse.

- This morning on my way to the train station, I flipped my visor down to keep the sun out of my eyes and guess who was crouched on the mirror part 4 inches from my face? A GIANT SPIDER. So I absolutely flip my shit, and manage to swerve the car over to the side of the road without killing anyone or wrecking the car. Apparently this freaks the spider out because he assumes the attack position and launches himself directly into my face. I scream. The door flies open, I jump out smacking my own face, hopping from foot to foot, completely hysterical.
After the spider has been stomped on 400 times, I’m able to climb back in my car. But it still takes 15 minutes before I’m able to compose myself well enough to drive again.

So, anyway… they lived happily ever after. The end!

First of all, I want to thank the internet for the overwhelming amount of e-mails from everyone expressing their support and understanding. It’s a relief to hear that so many people know exactly how this feels. If I could, I would kiss the internet right on the mouth!
But after being asked a few questions and talking to a few people, I’d like to clarify a few points.
First off, I am so happy with where I am in my life. I’m growing up and learning so much about myself and really, I’m having a lot of fun. It would just be nice to learn how to deal with stress a little better (or take the easy way and pop a few more pills every day!). Either way, this horrible anxiety in no way affects my happiness about life, family, friends, my marriage, anything.
Second, I could not be more in love with my wonderful husband. He is absolutely my very best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. He means the world to me. Jeff? You mean the world to me (”c’mon, Axel!”). 
Third, I’m really really really ok. Yesterday was a bad day, today seems to be a better one. I even considered deleting that post because it’s just so depressing, but I’m not going to. It’s a very accurate description of how I’ve been feeling on and off lately. And I’m not just going to brush this under the proverbial rug like I sometimes have a tendency to do. I’m taking care of it : )

Once again, thank you. You guys are seriously the best!!

Once again, it looks as if I’ve neglected this blog. Not for the usual reasons either. I’m not to busy to post (although I am busy) and it’s not like I don’t have plenty to to blog about (because, oh I do). This time I’m going to be completely honest because if I can’t be honest here, where can I be?
It’s because of anxiety. It’s because of depression.
When I was 15 or 16, I felt like I walked around with a black cloud above my head. School was something merely tolerated and when I got home I’d trap myself in my bedroom and cry. Big choking sobs, and whenever my mother would sit me down and try to figure out what the hell was going on with her train wreck of a daughter, I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t tell her because, for the life of me, I couldn’t even figure it out for myself.
So she did the logical thing and sent me to therapy. And that therapist (to whom I sincerely owe my life) prescribed a miracle drug called Zoloft. And that one tiny pill a day (combined, of course, with intensive therapy) lifted that cloud. It made me feel like a human being again.

In the 6 or 7 years that I’ve been on Zoloft, 3 of which were spent in therapy at least once a week, I’ve gone from 50 mg to 200 mg. Which was understandable. As I got older, my body built up a little bit of an immunity and I also inhereted a lot more stress. But even when I felt crappy enough to realize that my meds needed to be upped, I’ve never felt this crappy. It’s almost as if I’m not taking anything anymore. Like I just went cold turkey. All the times I write on here like “nervous breakdown blah blah blah, severe anxiety whatever whatever, panic attack yadda yadda” I’m not kidding. It’s been happening more lately than it ever has in the past.

On one hand, I think it’s normal. My stress and anxiety levels were barely tolerable when I lived at home and had virtually no responsibility to speak of. But in less than 6 months:
- I’ve gone from a part time job at the community college coffee shop to a full time job working with doctors, lawyers, computer engineers and the like, any of which could have me fired at the snap of their well-manicured fingers. +15 stress points
- I’ve gone from my safe, reliable, stable mother’s house to a big new scary townhouse with my very own neighbors and my very own yard and my very own laundry and dishes and bills, oh my gosh, bills. +50 stress points
- I’ve gone from a girl with a cute boyfriend to a girl with a handsome fiancee to a girl with (gasp!) a husband and am still getting used to it all. How much time, maximum, we can spend with each other without getting in a fight. Getting used to how he likes to use the regular towels when he wipes off his toothpaste-y mouth instead of the hand towel so that when I get out of the shower and dry off with said toothpaste-y towel I smell like Aquafresh all day. Getting used to thinking “what’s best for us” instead of just what’s best for me. Trying to wrap my head around the idea that I’m not the only one stressed about time and money. That I’m not the only one trying to figure out how marriage works. That I’m not the only one who has bad days. That we’re in this together. +100 stress points
I’m not great at math, but that’s like, A WHOLE LOT MORE STRESS. In a really short amount of time. My anxiety has gone from Unbearable to Teetering On the Very Teeny Weeny Edge and I feel like I’m liable to snap at any moment.

Two weeks ago, Jeff’s brother Jerry and his girlfriend (who also happens to be my cousin), Brittney called and said they were going to come over, if that was ok. We said sure. 30 seconds later, after my quick perusal of the living room concluded that our entire house looked like a hurricane and Brittney and Jerry would think we were slobs and then we’d all DIIIEEEE, I was on the floor shaking and in a heaping pile of sobs and tears and snot and screeching. Jeff blinked, bewildered for a minute (like you can blame him) and then asked the question feared by all total maniacs: “WHAT’S WRONG?!” So I scream that I don’t know what’s wrong. So he carries me upstairs, shoves a few Lorazepam (a sedative that I loooove) down my throat and then rocks me until I’ve calmed down. And then Brittney and Jerry came it was fine and blah blah blah. But seriously. All because my house wasn’t immaculate. Same thing happened on Monday when I found the ant on my arm. Remember? My family had to leave, I had to take a sedative and Jeff had to calm me down. Tiny things just seem to push me directly over the edge.

I guess the point of this post is to say that I’m going to be taking it easy for the next little while. Getting my meds upped, possibly going back to therapy, I dont’ know yet. All I know is that I’m not in the mood to be funny or clever or witty. Sometimes I’m not even in the mood to do anything besides go to bed and stay there. I’ll still be blogging, but when I don’t, please send me as many positive vibes as you can.
Until I start feeling better, my work is suffering, my personal relationships are suffering, my husband is suffering, my sanity is suffering, I am suffering. And unfortunately, so is the blog.

Thanks, guys.

Remember this? From last year’s Memorial Day?
Things were a little different this year.

1. Kicked off the 3 day weekend by transforming it into a 4 day weekend. I called in sick on Friday. But I actually was sick, so it wasn’t much of a vacation.

2. Went to the bank to get my name changed so I could order a debit card and checks with Lindsey Jensen on them. My driver’s license says Jensen and my debit card says Kirth so everytime someone asks for my ID, I have to explain and it’s tedious and horrible.

3. Went to lunch with Jeff’s brother Jerry at the Parrot Head Cafe, it’s like island food, rice bowls and stuff. Also took a hilarious video of Jeff and Jerry playing some lame Star Wars game on the Wii (and heatedly discussing Darth Vader). May or may not post it. Stay tuned.

4. Saturday afternoon, Jeff and I went to lunch together and nothing at all embarassing happened, which was really kind of nice for a change. Just a nice, mellow lunch.

5. My mom and her fiancee Dee went out of town on Saturday and weren’t getting back until Sunday afternoon, so my brother, Tyson came and stayed with Jeff and I. Jeff had to go to work at 3, so Tyson and I went to dinner with my dad and his girlfriend, Tisha to this place called 5 Guys Burgers and Fries and it was awesome. Huge greasy hamburgers, giant cups full of fries, the most delicious cardiac arrest one can think of. Plus, the radio station played all oldies and I was singing along unashamed, with a mouth full of hamburger. It was a pretty good damn dinner.

6. Me and Tyson, because we had nothing better to do, decided to walk around the mall, where I regressed back to the 9th grade. We were loud and annoying and it was a blast and I had Play-Doh ice cream for the first time and I think I’m obsessed with Play-Doh ice cream now.

7. We watched Cops and Charm School With Rikki Lake until Jeff got home to save us from reality TV hell and we all played a few rousing songs on Rock Band Metallica (which Jeff got me for my birthday) until I went to bed.. at 1:30 am. The boys, however, stayed up until 3 am, when I’m sure the neighbors were thisclose to calling the cops.

8. Sunday afternoon we all went to my mom’s house for dinner. Spaghetti. With various hilarious, albeit inappropriate (as always), topics of conversation (much to my poor mother’s dismay) and then watched Courage Under Fire which was possibly the most depressing movie I’ve ever seen. I cried for the rest of the night.

9. Yesterday, we all went miniature golfing, and let me just say that I suck at it. Also there was this one course where you had to hit the ball into the mouth of a giant octopus and, needless to say, I skipped that hole and cried into Jeff’s shoulder instead.

10. Ate more ice cream at the golf course. Which is why I’m getting fat.

11. After the golf experience, everyone came to our house to play a round of Wii Bowling. My mom was hilarious at it.

12. I found an ant crawling on my arm which snapped my last nerve right in half and had a teensy bit of a huge breakdown. The family went home, sedatives were consumed, all was well.

13. Went to bed at about 8:30 last night because, woo boy does that Lorazepam kick in fast!

Let me introduce you to my newest YouTube crush…

THIS GUY.