.LINDSEY’S RANTINGS.

Pablo: So, I can lick my own nipples.

Me: Gross! Why would you tell me that!?

Pablo: What? I saw a girl on the internet doing it and I wanted to try.

1. Clean my desk (and keyboard, and mouse, and chair) at home with Clorox Wipes.  Daily. (Even though I’m the ONLY one that ever sits there.)

2. Willing listen to (and totally love) Joanna Newsom. Anytime I ever make anyone listen to her music, they shoot themselves in the face. But I like it, and you guys can all go to hell. There. I said it. I like her voice.

3. Use hand sanitizer after every time I touch money, ever. (Read this and this… you’ll thank me later when you, too, have a crippling germ phobia.)

4. I cannot leave the house without Revlon Under-Eye Concealer. I’d leave the house naked before I’d step outside without my under-eye concealer. I look like I have two black eyes if I don’t (damn my Italian skin tone straight to hell.) 

5. Obsessively Google rare diseases (of which, I have 2 or more symptoms) until I have myself convinced I’m suffering from all of them.

6. My obsession with big ugly purses. I’m currently in love with the big indian print ones, but only if they’re massive. And totally unsightly.

7. Cry on the phone to the receptionist when making a dentist’s appointment. I have an overwhelming fear of the dentist.

8. I get in moods, moods, to cry. I actually want to cry! And sometimes, when these crying jags are unsatisfying because I just can’t muster up enough sadness, all I have to do is play Chicago’s “If You Leave Me Now” and the tears just start a-rollin’.

9. Lately I’ve found myself actively seeking every opportunity I can to talk about the importance of flossing daily.

10. Tap my Coke can before opening it (Does anyone know why I do this? Where did I pick this up? I can’t stop.)

11. Palpate my abdomen for masses during pilates.

12. I have almost every episode of The Golden Girls memorized. There’s just something about watching the antics and sexcapades of a bunch of women over 70 that I can’t seem to get enough of. The saddest part is when the episode ends and I turn to my mom and exclaim “now that was a show.”

13. Perform every function of my day with the thought in mind that I’m one step closer to sitting in bed, while playing my Game Boy and eating my weight in junk food.

Pablo: So, I have a question.

Me: Ok, what?

Pablo (stifles a giggle): When you look in the mirror, do you see yourself all furry?

Me: Ummm…. what?

Pablo: No, say ‘why?’

Me: Fine. Why?

Pablo: BECAUSE YOU’RE A FEMALE DOG! GET IT? GET IT?

Me: Oh my holy freaking lord.

1. Because of that bad boy, Ryan. Holy cow, is that boy hot. And really, is he actually for really only like, 16? Because if so, maybe its time someone locked me up and threw away the key…

2. Enough drama to keep my mind off my own.

3. All the hilariously cheesy lines, delivered by Barbie doll clones and Brad Pitt wannabes. It cracks me up, no joke.

4. When I was in high school, I never got into the trends or the shows or anything like that, hell, I didn’t even have girl friends in high school! It was all about the Metallica cover band I was in (no joke) and all my hilarious, grungy guy friends. So its different and awesome.

5. Since I’m so behind the times, I don’t have to wait another week to watch the next highly anticipated episode… I just have to pop in the next DVD.

6. That you know that every single girl on that show would be about 100 times less hot if they washed off that 5 inches of eye makeup.

7. Knowing what all the high school girls are gossiping about. Which is REAL important to me.

8. Where are the parents when all the kids are out getting drunk?! And on school nights, no less!? …oh, that’s right. They’re off having affairs with the neighbors or whatever.

9. Seth, the brother/sidekick/hilarious hottie. This boy kicks out some seriously witty one-liners, and actually, I’m not even being sarcastic.

10. Calling all the romantic hookups between the love-starved teenagers before they even happen! I’m a total pro.

11. I love that it just so happens that every single rich and successful person in O.C. just happens to be young and totally beautiful.

12. Incredible music! The whole time I’m watching it, I’m like ‘you’ve gotta be kidding, I LOVE this song!!’ So, you know.

13. Pausing the show every 5 minutes in order to chat with Jackie about the characters just like they’re our own personal best friends. Why, hello lovely people of Patheticville! My name is Lindsey and I’m your new mayor.

Me: So, Pablo, I’m going skydiving with my cousin in August! Doesn’t that sound like a total blast?

Pablo: You’re gonna die.

Me: Puh-leese. You can see the future?

Pablo: Yes, and you’re gonna die. You’re gonna fall from the sky and splatter on the ground and go all flat like a tortilla. Only your toppings are gonna be your brains and your guts. They’ll have to scoop you up with a broom and a dustpan. And then at your funeral, they’ll bury you in Saran Wrap instead of a coffin.

Me:…… sounds like fun, you wanna come with?

Pablo: Shut up.

1. When I was 4, my dad taught me how to burp properly by using the ‘lift and project’ technique. He also taught me how to then blow it in people’s faces and laugh hysterically. Something I still practice to this day.

2. He taught me that it’s ok to parade around on a stage in a crowded auditorium, covered in self tanner and Pam cooking spray, flexing your muscles and wearing nothing but a neon speedo. Need proof? There you go.

3. How to turn strangers into friends. Whether you’re at the park or waiting in line or whatever, you can always find someone to chat with, just by being friendly. It took me a while to get good at this, but now I find myself feeling all uncomfortable if I’m not making small talk in an elevator. In other words, I’m only comfortable in awkward social situations if I’m listening to the sound of my own voice… thanks for that, dad.

4. How to be motivated. It doesn’t matter what your motivation is, as long as it’s there to keep you going. My dad has always been the most ambitious guy I’ve ever known. I’m not sure he’s ever sat still for longer than 15 minutes in a single day of his life.

5. He taught me that 80’s music is by far the greatest music of all time, and that anyone who says otherwise is not only a moron loser jerkoff, but a moron loser jerkoff who has bad taste in music.

6. How to road rage properly.

7. That a perfectly straight man can get away with wearing ‘queer boots’ as long as he has big muscles to kill anyone who laughs at him. No guys, I’m seriously not even kidding.

8. He taught me that it’s not ok for a grown man to cry in chick movies, but that’s it’s totally alright for a grown man to weep tears of sheer sorrow when the family dog dies on a rainy day in 2005.

9. He’s the best money manager in pretty much the whole world. He brakes for garage sales and yard sales and half off sales. He’s always been great at working hard and saving, saving, saving for the things that he wants. Because of this, I’m a slightly obsessive compulsive money hoarder. But I guess that’s healthier than an obsessive compulsive money spender. Although I wouldn’t call gagging and convulsing because HOW CAN THEY SLEEP AT NIGHT, SELLING WATER, WATER, FOR $1.25, healthy by any means.

10. Because of my dad, I will always have a special place in my heart for Beavis and Butthead, and all the good times he and I spent bonding in front of the T.V. while snickering at all the crude jokes.

11. I’ve learned that men spend just as much time getting ready to go out in the morning as girls do. Serious, my dad would spend upwards of a half hour in the bathroom just blow drying his (half an inch long) hair into the perfect shape. Don’t even get me started on how long it took him to coordinate his gay boots to just the right outfit.

12. My dad taught me everything I know about confidence. He is the most confident person I’ve ever met. He is perfectly comfortable in any environment, with any group of people at any time any place, even if they’re all total strangers. Amazing, right?

13. Most importantly, my father taught me never to settle. Ever since I was small, he’s drilled it into my head that I should always, no matter what, shoot for the things I really want in life. For the things that will make me the most happy. That I can do anything in the world, just as well as anyone else can, and that I deserve the very best.

Thank you, daddy. Happy Father’s Day. I love you.

The other day, I was chatting casually about my period when I glanced up and noticed that I was talking to my brother. And that not only were his eyes beginning to glaze over, but there was this subtle look of sheer horror on his face. At this moment, I realized two things. First, I talk too much. I really do. Second, I need to start being more careful about who I decide to be ‘myself’ in front of. You know? I have a tendency to say things or do things in public and then be all like, oops my personality is showing.
Example: I was at Jeff’s the other day and his dad was asking something about the tv (one of those cool ones that you can pull away from the wall) and Jeff goes ‘just pull it out and angle it downward.’ Ok. I then fall to the floor and shriek ‘that’s what she said!’ at the top of my lungs in front of his mom, dad, and little sister. Who do I even think I am? And it’s not like this is an isolated incident. To be honest, it was really only a matter of time before any poor boyfriend I’ve ever had looks up one day and sees me lounging casually on their couch, my hair in a sloppy ponytail, my unshaven legs clad in my classiest grey sweatpants, while bobbing my head to a popular 80’s hit, burping the alphabet and using his dog as a foot rest. And without even a speck of mascara on!
That being said, I think Jeff deserves a sympathy card from the internet. Throw some Excedrin in there too.

Me (upon just getting to work): Hey, Pablo

Pablo: Hi… did you know that they don’t let women fight in wars?

Me: What the hell? Yes they do, freak.

Pablo: No, they don’t. Because girls are way too busy painting pretty pictures with their happy paintbrushes. Plus, they’re weak.

1. Finish the massive amounts of homework that have started piling up while I’m off doing better things… like plucking my eyebrows and memorizing obscure 80’s songs. I already made Tyson do my entire math assignment last night and I’m afraid that if I make him do any more, he’ll force me to pay him. Eff that.

2. Rip my dog’s throat out. Done and done.

3. Buy gifts for Mia and Alisi’s joint first birthday party. Their moms decided it would be an awesome idea to combine both of their parties into one giant First Birthday Party (which will be the event of the year) and while I think it’s gonna be awesome, I also think they’re completely nuts. And I’m also dragging Jeff along. HA!

4. Write another post on the Friendly Atheist website, which I’ve neglected because lately I’ve just been unable to deal with all the UNGODLY AMOUNTS OF HATEMAIL I receive from that website. THE HATEMAIL! I JUST CAN’T DO IT! (Also, I just used the word ‘ungodly’ in the same senteced as atheist. I didn’t even mean to. I’m awesome.)

5. Read some more chapters in New Moon. I refused to ever read the Twilight book series about the vampires, you know, but my cousin Brittney forced me to read the first book and I hate to admit that I’m now hooked. Even though it’s a stupid cheesy love story between a girl who’s so charmingly clumsy that I’m convinced she has a severe inner ear disorder, and the most handsome vampire in the whole wide world. The kind of love that you hear about all the time in the real world, no?

6. Clean out my car. Because I know that under the Luna Bar wrappers and empty waterbottles and wadded up tissues, there’s upholstery. I just can’t remember what color it is. It’s also in desperate need of a wash. I’ve never seen so much crusted on bird crap in all my life.

7. Check up on all those nutty celebrities and their wacky antics. I’ve been getting behind on my Hollywood news. Example: Did you guys know that they’re making Brokeback Mountain into an OPERA?! Why didn’t anyone mention this to me, I eat that stuff up!

8. Gear up for Wednesday’s O.C. party with Jeff’s little sister, Jackie. She’s totally obsessed with it, and in a desperate scramble to bond with her on some level, I offered to watch the entire first season with her. And I’m totally looking forward to it, don’t get me wrong, but I just know I’m going to have to do some relaxation/meditation techniques in order to stare at Mischa Barton’s squishy face for any extended period of time.

9. Stop blowing my tip money on stupid things like mini notebooks made entirely out of recycled paper or tiny turtle-shaped jewelry boxes. True story!

10. Clean my room. And it’s not that my room is a wreck or anything like that, but I somehow manage to acquire a whole bunch of… junk. Pointless stuff that just takes up space! And so I clean it, right, and 2ish days later I stumble upon some charming piece of stupid knick-knackery that I need right away and bam! It’s all downhill from there.

11. Pick something up for Jessi’s baby shower. Something pink and soft and frilly. I’m making Jeff help me with that too, double HA!

12. Perfect Super Mario Brothers on the Super Nintendo. I can’t get past level 8, damnit! And I’m running out of things to slam the controller into when I die. I’ve already left dents in the desk, the wall, and my brother’s face.

13. Obsess about all the things I have to do.
And I can cross that one right off the list!

I recently made a small cameo in my brother’s latest Youtube video. Granted, its a very small cameo, but I’m still in there.

Ok, so if you don’t want to watch the whole thing, but would like to see my little part(s) in it, then click it to 5:06-(where I play the girlfriend) and then 6:47- (where I sit on Ty’s skateboard and skate around because I forgot they were filming) and then to 8:29- (where I sing and dance like an idiot.)

Also, at the part where I’m the girlfriend, someone says the F word. So, you know. Beware.